Squyres Jill remembers the exact moment a friendship of 30 years died.
"I was small tomatoes in the garden, and I was very proud of them, because it is difficult to have a garden in the summer in San Antonio," Squyres said, now based in Vail. "And I said," Go into the garden and watch my tomatoes! And my friend said, "No, why would I want to see your tomatoes and your visit has deteriorated from there?".
Squyres had known not call this friend because they are both 17. But as a Ph.D. clinical psychologist with 27 years experience, Squyres also knew that his friend has no interest that their tomatoes was part of a larger problem: the basic lack of concern about what made her happy Squyres.
The clinical psychologist based Vail Squyers Jill found out that when it comes to form and maintain strong friendships comes, some functions appear to be universal. (Delivery by Jill Squyers)
As hard as it was, Squyres knew I had to "break" with this friend, which he did politely but firmly by e-mail.
"I have heard, to speak more and more fun, intelligent and curious people of loneliness, and it was actually not such a big problem," Squyres, who ran a private practice for the past 12 years, said.
"What we need, friends and the kind of friendship is changing with time. We are moving a little more and more isolated and with social media, it's easy to find people like you, so there is less diversity friends people".
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Squyres offer these and other results of the Survey of Friendship fifth edition of TEDx Vail . 9 January Event brings a dozen speakers and artists with an eye fresh start in the new year.
Amistad Research Squyres that anyone can take on their website is a way to take an inventory of the people in our lives - even those with whom we must not waste any time. The "Friend or Frenemy" questionnaire (see box), the true friends with people who hide itself in contrast, but effective in our lives contribute negativity was created.
"The epidemic of loneliness has much to do with the consequences of this," Squyres said, 54 ,. "Do you think that someone who is loyal, but actually turns not treated properly. You start gun to get shy and grow cynical and vulnerable. You start to feel cheated. Is it just a normal part of the aging process? Perhaps, but we must recognize that there is still toxic people in the world. "
Squyres, who moved in 2012 to the Vail Valley and runs his private practice in Eagle, became increasingly fascinated by the subject matter as our dependence on Facebook and Twitter has increased, blurring the traditional definition of "friends".
They had difficulties, hard evidence on this issue, led to his (not scientific truth) online friendship Survey. So far they have been generated over 600 responses.
Some results:
People say they have an average of three to five close friends, compared with an average of 250 to 300 "Facebook friends".
Husband and wife, by a wide margin, identify the other as best friends, and more people are turning to family members of the deep friendship -. "One idea was committed deliberately and certainly not the norm when I was young"
After spouse, siblings, dogs really are the best friend a person with cats in second place. After That? Computers and smartphones.
People often still in touch with friends via Facebook and SMS, followed by face-to-face and telephone calls.
To Squyres, the healthier and more realistic we can do - is to be honest, who made a positive contribution and who is not - at any time of our lives. And that means thinking about friendship built as a house with foundation on things that are important to us (in the case of Squyres: reciprocity, respect, integrity, emotional stability and quality).
"If anyone has one of these properties, it is easier to say," I can not have this person in my life, "he said." And the house is said to have several rooms because to meet the different needs friends to find places in different rooms. "
If someone break with someone whose friendship does not work, you should not feel guilty. Easy to identify what you mean, just to say it, and do not forget that what he is trying to end a relationship, a new dialogue begins. In other words, it is established.
"Most of us appreciate the loyalty and history, but not the only reason to be close to someone," she said. "This image of glamor BFFs (Best Friends Forever) films, TV shows and books is very romantic, but it's not realistic. We need to do what is right now good for us."
John Wenzel: 303-954-1642, jwenzel @ denverpost.com or twitter.com/johnwenzel
Friend or friend or foe?
Psychologist Jill Squyres has a handful of new talks Frenemy part of our daily interactions. Can you see the frenemy in their natural habitat? 6c Answer Key
Academic discussion on 1.A:
A. You have three finals next week, but they really do not need to study, because you're smart. There are fresh powder and you know I do not like skiing from me. Get 8?
B. I was so proud of. In the news last night I rushed home from work to see and keep smiling and thinking. "I'm so happy to have him as my best friend" Share also inform the link on my Facebook page and Twitter about it.
2. A discussion on the bill:
R. Of course, I had a few drinks with dinner and you have not, but I can not believe that it is only going to split the bill.
B. Go bought me looked this beautiful bracelet, as we shop the other day. Only my best friend how much she loved me and return to me.
3. A conversation on date night:
A. I do not like it when you got married, and I hate it now. Did not get what I spent a weekend in Las Vegas, and I want you to come with me? You can celebrate your birthday next weekend. Why is it so difficult?
B. I would love to keep their children in Saturday night, so that you have two one night. You would do the same for me, and have fun with their children.
4. A conversation about marriage:
A. Do not be surprised if you see the wedding ring from her boyfriend for you. He showed it to me, and I said that was enough, but I know it's too flashy for his taste. I do not think you hurt your feelings show marriage as you are disappointed with him.
B. really appreciate your coming at all appropriate for my wedding dress. I could not imagine a better bridesmaid you!
5. A conversation about an anniversary
A. You have a great cook. The birthday dinner you made for me is fantastic. Thank my special day even more special!
B. can not believe that you have a strawberry short cake. I know it's your birthday, but you know, I do not like strawberries.
Fixed:
1A. Frenemy; 1B. Friend
2A. Frenemy; 2B. Friend
3A. Frenemy; 3B. Friend
4A. Frenemy; 6B. Friend
5A. Friend; 7B. Frenemy
FIFTH YEAR TEDx Vail. Chair driven idea, Jill Squyres and a dozen other artists and presenters. 09.03 clock on January 9 at the Vilar Performing Arts Center, 68 Avondale Lane, Beaver Creek psychologist. $ 100 tickets by available ticketsvail.com .
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