Leslie Y. Gutterman is a retired Rabbi of the Temple of Beth-El in Providence.
Caitlin Flanagan recounts how her mother told her to sit down and have a sandwich and a glass of juice before going to a meeting. It was good advice. Caitlin's mother always tells her what to do. Caitlin never answers, the main reason is her mother is dead. We often hear the voices of loved ones who have passed away in our heads. They still offer advice and guidance like they did before.
Physical objects can also evoke their presence. Caitlin remembers cleaning her mother's kitchen with her sister. "Mom took the recipe for Apple Betty. I found it in your Pyrex measuring cup. For the first time, I really took a look at it and found that all of the red lines showing the measurement had dissolved. It was then that I realized that this woman had baked so many cookies and pancakes for me that her Pyrex measuring cup was worn out and clean.
In the Flanagan house, this mug is displayed prominently on a kitchen window sill. Possessions have an afterlife. There is a small green rubber bowl with paper clips on my desk. It came from my father's dental office. Decades later, I am still talking about the smells that came up while mixing the amalgam. Like Proust, for whom the muffins evoked memories of the past, I cherish the memories that are now in the bowl.
The memories that the past brings us have a unique impact on us. The New York Times occasionally publishes an article entitled "Wise Words I Live". Often these remembered words were spoken by those who no longer exist. Norma Douglas recalls that her father stopped the car on the side of the road when she drove it home after an ordeal in sixth grade. "He listened to me making fun of a classmate. He said that he didn't want to hear such words from me again and that he had to remember something important. He was no better than anyone. But there is one more thing to remember: no one is better than you. Both tips turned out to be correct and gave me something I can remember decades after starting the car and driving home.
The words spoken by the late Walter Mondale in 1980 still guide Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar: "We speak the truth. We obey the law. We kept the peace.
Most religious traditions have the ability to draw back advice and guidance from the past. In Judaism this takes the form of the so-called ethical will. It is an end-of-life document of the lessons learned and the hopes of a new generation. The tradition of writing an ethical will is reminiscent of Patriarch Joseph, who gathered his children for a final blessing. Ethical Wills are a kind of blessing that can serve as an ethical compass for North Star to their descendants.
Consider two excerpts. Benjamin Roth wrote an ethical will to his son Solomon in 1854 when he went to the United States. The father knew they would never see each other again. "Never do anything that you regret. Think carefully about everything you envision and consider your execution so that you act only after careful consideration. ""
And from comedian Sam Levenson: "I leave you a good family, respect for learning, compassion for others, and a few four letter words for all occasions. Words like help, give, heal, feel and love. ""
And so, as Caitlin Flanagan's mother, we can always count, even when we're dead.
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