DEAR ANNIE: I've been reading your column for a while and now I have my own situation. I hope you can help me. I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months and am ready to propose to her very soon. We get along pretty well, make each other laugh, cheer each other up and communicate well too, so it couldn't be better. The only problem is that their 12 year old daughter is a total bum and doesn't know how to clean up after herself.
She always leaves clothes, toys and artificial fingernails scattered around the house, and it doesn't matter if her mother asks nicely or if she's really bothering her. You cannot force them to clean for themselves, nor force them to do general household chores. At first I thought about suggesting an allowance, but I don't think there's an amount of money that would motivate this girl to do anything (plus, her mother isn't exactly in the financial position to hand out money on a regular basis). She's a girl whose mother legitimately offered her a $100 bill to do the dishes, and she didn't want that. His mother and I were informed by his son that his sister had commented that she "doesn't have to work for it".
In general, she is a good girl. Her mother gets good reports on her when she spends the night with friends; she and I get along well; and she gets along great with my family and takes good care of my brother and sister-in-law, but at home we can't motivate her to do anything when it comes to cleaning and chores -- and then she has the nerve to wonder why hers Mom gets crazy about her sometimes. Needless to say, her mother is extremely frustrated and lost. The problem for me is that we want to move in together, but I've already told you I don't want or need your daughter trashing the house I live in. What do we do ? -- Take care of a little pig
DEAR PIGGY: I can understand where your girlfriend and mutual frustration is coming from. This young woman's behavior is simply unacceptable, and now that she's approaching puberty, it's time for her to embrace music, whether she likes it or not.
Since money doesn't seem to be a motivator, maybe it's time to take away from him the things that are important to him, like sleepovers with friends or some extracurricular activities, until he starts contributing to the household chores. If we put off things we didn't want to face, nothing would ever get done. This will show you that we cannot do the things we want to do unless we also make time for the things we need to do.
And on that subject of the future, maybe now is a good time to talk to your girlfriend about what it will be like to be a stepdad and what limitations this new role might bring. It sounds like you have a strong relationship and connection with your kids, so you should be able to figure things out.
"How can I forgive my cheating partner?" it's out now! Annie Lane's second anthology of her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.
Send your questions to Annie Lane at dearannie@creators.com .
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