Welcome to Tissue Issues, comedian Ash Fisher's advice column on connective tissue disorders, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS), and other chronic diseases. Ash has EDS and is very bossy; Having an advisory column is a dream. Do you have a question for Ash? Contact us on Twitter or Instagram @AshFisherHaha .
Dear tissue problems,
My wife, Amanda, is a force of nature - a loving mother to our 6 year old son, a dedicated college professor, a talented painter, and an amazing person. She also has rheumatoid arthritis , which was diagnosed last year. Amanda has always been too uptight since I've known her. She helps her students outside of school, cooks the preparation of weekly meals for her elderly parents, has been teaching our daughter at home for almost a year and does most of the household chores such as cooking, cleaning and cleaning. I know I know it should help She won't let me!
She has become irritable and aggressive towards me in recent years, and I have noticed that she limps or walks stiffly in the morning and stops running in the morning. When I kindly confronted her about her rudeness, she collapsed and admitted that she was sharp because she was in almost constant pain and was afraid to say it out loud. So I was relieved when he was diagnosed with RA. We have an answer! We could work on it!
But it's been almost a year and it's gotten worse. He's still working too hard and worrying too much about his personal life. You don't get enough sleep, you don't eat enough most of the time. She refuses to see more doctors as she is afraid of COVID-19. And she will not accept my help with housework or stop serving family and friends so much.
I worry that if she doesn't take her health seriously and slows down, she could seriously harm her body. How can I make him understand that it can be a matter of life and death? How can you better support it?
- Worried husband
Dear concerned husband,
You asked a classic unanswered question: How do I get someone to do something they don't want to do? Unfortunately you can't. Good luck and thanks for writing!
I laugh. Obviously, it's not that simple. But I want you to stop focusing so much on your wife's behavior as you focus on yours. You only have the power to change yourself. I know, I know, it's annoying. But it's the truth, for better or for worse.
You said your wife does all the housework and "won't let" you help. I'll be honest, man, I'm looking at this a little sideways.
Housework and child-rearing are still mostly female, and I can't believe she likes to do it all by herself. Why not start by making a list of all the household and children's chores that need to be done (currently done by your wife)? Pick a few now! Take care of the laundry or groceries.
You are capable and seem to have more free time than your wife. So use this time and take the initiative to do these necessary tasks yourself.
His wife said he was irritable because he was in constant pain, and that makes sense. But I suspect it's more than that. She might be upset that you are no longer helping her around the house. And as a wife, mother, or wife, you could feel like a failure if you can't "do everything" as society tells you to.
Women these days are pressured by society to be many things at the same time: a good mother, a good wife, a successful career woman. And we're supposed to do all of that while maintaining a spotlessly clean home with Pinterest-worthy decor.
Time to talk to your wife again. Indeed, it is time to start a series of discussions. Have you ever tried or considered couples therapy? You seem to have a communication disorder and maybe it's time for a professional guide.
Therapy does not mean that you are doomed or that your marriage is necessarily in trouble. It means that you care enough about your marriage and family to do everything possible to improve your situation. And for the record, I think you are very concerned about your family and your wife; otherwise it would not have written.
Some other ideas:
- Ask if you can see your doctor together so you can voice your concerns as well as questions about your health.
- Schedule a weekly outing with your daughter to give Amanda time. Go to the park, to the cinema, meet friends, whatever you or your daughter want. Your son will love to spend time with you, and your wife will have much-needed time alone.
- If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service. Having a few hours of paid help, even if it's only every two weeks or once a month, takes some of your most important chores and cleaning off your wife's plate.
- Do the housework without being asked. This is an important step that I believe would greatly improve your situation. Discover this feminist comic by the brilliant French designer Emma about "the mental stress" that many women carry. Read with an open mind - this comic will give you valuable insight into the pressures and expectations society has of modern women and mothers.
- Give your wife time to cry. Diagnosing chronic illness is a big life change. Such a diagnosis triggers a grief process in many people: grief for their old life, for their old abilities, for the future they have imagined. Your wife needs time and space to process this news and adjust her expectations. It's a great adaptation to your life; Give it space for processing.
- Do you have time for two? Otherwise, try monthly date nights. Take the lead in planning - order takeaway or cook for it so you don't have to. Find movies you like. See if there are any fun bars or restaurants to try. Prioritize the time you spend as a couple so you can reconnect and be closer.
It seems that your wife is a wonderful person and you are a loving husband. The diagnosis of RA is new, and her family is still trying to adjust their lives and routines in light of this new information. Over time, you will discover a new flow in your family life.
For the time being, make a commitment to proactively helping around the house, and let your wife know you're always there to listen (and if you need to vent or get support, reach out to your own friends or seek individual therapy into consideration).
Be patient. Be gentle. Be open to change. Hopefully it will work out soon.
Shaky,
ash
Ash Fisher is a writer and actor living with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. When he's not having a shaky baby deer day, he goes for a walk with his corgi Vincent. Lives in Portland. Find out more about them on their website .
Aucun commentaire:
Enregistrer un commentaire