Dear Prudence is Slate's advice column. Delia Cai replaces Prudie with Jenée Desmond-Harris during paternity leave. Submit your questions here .
Dear Prudence,
I live on the top floor of a five-story building without an elevator. I have a small dog that I have to walk twice a day. I work from home so I do some exercise. I usually take out the trash for my elderly neighbors since I'm on my way there anyway. The only thing I ask is that they double pack the bag and not make each bag too heavy.
Well, my neighbor directly below me had her pregnant granddaughter move out. It wasn't great. He left me more than one unpleasant message about my "trampling." It looks like my living room is above his bedroom. I've already put the carpets down and there's nothing else I can do. Anyway, the baby was born and the trash started piling up. I received even worse news about the trash when I was sick and unable to move for several days. I felt sorry for my neighbor and the next time I went out I took a big load with me. None of them were double bagged and broke, so the trash and dirty diapers ended up two stories high. I went into the apartment and asked my granddaughter to help me clean. She told me she couldn't leave the baby and that I was a slut for asking her to. I could see my neighbor at the door and she didn't say a word. I had to ask my other neighbors and the caretaker to help me clean up the mess.
I haven't taken out this neighbor's trash since. At all. Since then, the granddaughter has moved away and my neighbor has left me several "kind" messages and even a plate of cookies (I returned them). I can't be a good neighbor again after being treated like trash and not saying a word. Several of my other neighbors brought it up and said she was just an old lady and I will be one someday so I should have more compassion. I'll soon stop picking up all the trash except my own. I've always tried to maintain a "live and let live" philosophy, but cleaning up someone's shit in another country is way over the top. Thoughts?
– Take out the trash
Dear Fang,
Frankly, I think it's unfair of you to blame your neighbor for the actions and rudeness of her granddaughter (who clearly wasn't at her most altruistic and considerate state during her pregnancy). I think you should chalk this whole ordeal up to an unfortunate case where you had to step in for the greater good for a while; I guess everyone involved was overwhelmed. But now it's over and you can reconsider how you want to structure your relationship with this neighbor.
It can be helpful to tell her directly how unappreciated and taken advantage of you felt during this time, for which she may or may not apologize. In any case, you need to consider what role you would like to play with your elderly neighbors if there is usually no "reward" in the form of appreciation or consideration that you would like. Is it worth helping, even if it's painful? This isn't a trick question: I think you should really ask yourself whether you're capable of helping with garbage disposal if it's just annoying you.
Ultimately, I think we need to accept the fact that helping others is generally an unpleasant proposition and that it can feel like a pretty one-sided "agreement." Is it worth it to simply feel more connected to your neighbors or have a relationship with them that you have to trust at some point? In my experience, living alone is great until it isn't, and I imagine that in the event of a real emergency, it would selfishly be very helpful to have a good relationship with your neighbors, elderly or not .
Dear Prudence,
I'm lucky enough to rent a house on a very quiet cul-de-sac. My 12-year-old daughter is the oldest in the neighborhood and started babysitting for our neighbors after completing her training with the Red Cross. I often babysit until midnight or later on Fridays or Saturdays. The parents always keep me updated about their schedule. My daughter is never more than five houses from home and feels very comfortable crossing the street and entering the house. Everyone has cameras. I stayed awake the first few times she babysat late into the night, but it was never someone we didn't know. Now I usually sleep when she comes home.
My favorite summers were the ones where my grandmother kicked us out of the house and told us to go explore. Of course it was in the country and not the suburbs, but I would rather instill courage and independence in my daughter than anything else. The problem is that when I talk about it with other moms and peers, people look at me like I'm abandoning my daughter on Skid Row. Apparently I'm "careless" and "terrible" for being comfortable sleeping when my daughter isn't home. I pointed out that when my brothers and I were much younger, we often went camping farther from home and that my grandparents and parents didn't care. And that was before cell phones and surveillance cameras became widespread.
They say it's not the same and that my daughter is "too young" or that she doesn't get the "right" rate. These jobs are constant and she likes the money, while our neighbors don't want to spend a lot of money on a date. She was so proud when she bought her own gaming system this Christmas and Santa brought her the games she wanted. Now he is saving to buy an electric scooter. What do I say to these people? Several friends complained that their daughters now wanted to babysit but were not allowed to.
– The sadness of childcare
Dear Blues,
I have the impression that you have an excellent relationship of trust with your daughter and that your babysitting activities are within appropriate safety limits. Tell the helicopter parents that what works for you and your daughter won't work for everyone, but the parent suggestion box is closed.
Dear Prudence,
A while ago I took on a second job. There I met Jessica, 15 years younger than me; She was bubbly and charismatic and definitely one of those cool girls you want to be friends with. She went out of her way to include me and we became friends. Report the pandemic. We finished work and all left work. Jessica started her own business and wanted goods. I love helping people, especially with my art. But I always forget that mixing work and friendships ruins everything. Anyway, I designed their logo, bought a box of hoodies and painted them, knowing I might never get paid, and I didn't.
Waiting for:
1) I've been making masks during the pandemic, got a little overwhelmed (sold over 10,000 copies) and had to figure out how to vertically integrate my family, neighbors and friends into a "factory" to make them. We did everything but it ruined my mental health.
2) I started IVF a year after COVID started and it drove me crazy. When it worked and I was pregnant, I wasn't the type of person to have fun. When the baby was born, it could barely function. Jessica hated babies and never wanted to be a mother, so I stayed away. I kept waiting and hoping to feel "normal"…my baby is almost 2 years old.
3) I am a pandemic homosexual. Spending a lot of time on podcasts and not having to declare my gender made me realize that I was non-binary. When I worked with Jessica, she never used the correct pronouns for a non-binary colleague, even though my colleague didn't seem to mind. Jessica's apology: All of her non-binary friends agreed not to use "they" pronouns. So I don't really want to share that part of my life with her.
At first Jessica contacted me to check on me, but eventually she gave up. Well, it's been about 5 years now (I shudder). Every time I go into my closet I see his box of personalized sweatshirts and it makes me shudder. I don't care if they pay me, I'm just not sure if she still has the business. Should I continue since there are enough compatibility issues? I don't know if I should trust my instincts because I become a hermit, I don't know how to maintain friendships in general and that's why I don't have many friends. But I can't donate their products because I know one day I might see someone using them and hate me (and I can't destroy them). I feel like I've already ruined everything. What do i have to do?
— Sweating in sweatshirts
Dear Sweat,
I think you need to talk to Jessica. Much of your letter gives the impression that you have come to certain conclusions about him without giving him a chance to respond, explain, or change anything.
For example, you're not sure whether the news of your baby will scare or upset her, or whether she won't bother using the correct pronouns if you make it clear to her how important it is. To you.
As far as Jessica knows, you have distanced yourself from her professionally and socially. You can't blame someone for not reading your mind or magically knowing what's going on in your personal life if you haven't talked about it, and you certainly can't use another person's judgment as a reason to avoid them . Admit to Jessica that your life has become very complicated recently and you didn't know how to approach this problem with her. None of us have navigated our pandemic and post-pandemic decisions as easily as we would have liked, and any sensible person will understand your plight. Give him the hoodies (I'd forego the payment for now) and apologize for failing as a friend, then give him a chance to respond.
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Dear Prudence,
My online boyfriend and I have been friends for years and I really enjoy their friendship and our late night chats. We've talked about meeting in person one day, but that's more of a vague future possibility than a concrete plan. Sometimes she wants to meet me and invites me to visit her, but then balks because she is not ready to meet in person. This inconsistency was tiring, but I understand your doubts. After all, we are strangers on the internet.
Well, my girlfriend just told me that she is planning to move abroad in the next few years. I'm trying to be happy and excited (I understand why she wants to leave the United States), but for me this means the end of our friendship. She means a lot to me and moving abroad will put an end to our late night conversations (due to the time difference) and certainly an end to the ability to meet in person. I asked him if we could meet sometime before he moved in and he said no.
My feelings are hurt. I hope to find myself and have waited so long only to see it wither and die right before my eyes. How could I talk to her about this without her feeling like I was involved in her exciting plans? Or should I just say nothing because this decision is about them and not me?
– Left behind
Dear retarded person,
It seems like your friendship with this person has been out of balance for some time. You have repeatedly expressed your expectations of friendship (meeting in person), and she has repeatedly rejected you in this regard. Now he has told her his plans for the future, which apparently do not take their friendship into account. It's no wonder you feel hurt: having late-night conversations with someone for several years indicates, to me, a high level of intimacy and closeness. Just because it's an online friendship doesn't mean someone is exempt from the basic standards of consideration you'd want from any other type of long-term relationship.
I think you can express your disappointment in a way that honors the fact that you clearly have incompatible expectations. Is this friendship more about convenience for her: Does she only want to talk to someone at night? Or are you committed to making something work (even if it's just online) if you take the plunge? Are you willing to settle for online-only interaction for now, at the risk of it becoming less frequent in the future? Once you've sorted out these differences, you'll need to figure out whether you can both agree on the shape of your current friendship and this potential move.
First of all, is it absolutely true that this friendship ends when it's several time zones away, or is that just an assumption you made? You should have a direct conversation about what you think will happen if she moves out and what you both would like to see continue the friendship in a new format. You may find that you cannot agree on this point: for example, if you cannot imagine being happy without meeting in person, then you may decide that it is time to leave this friend. Friendship is about figuring out what you both need and what you can give to each other. If a breakup occurs and you can't come to an agreement together, you'll have to decide whether you want to give up on the friendship entirely (at least for now) or be the person who is "slightly less" content with it.
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Dear Prudence,
I'm gay and currently live in a one-bedroom apartment with my half-brother. (We compromise on who sleeps where; that will be relevant in a moment.) Our new neighbor "Bee" is charming, pretty, and lives in a very small southern town. He loves to cook and around 7pm he knocked on our door with fresh bread and introduced himself. The bee comes every two weeks with treats. I don't think she's alone, she just likes to cook and is good at it.
My brother's girlfriend, "Em," holds a grudge and is as paranoid as a junkyard dog. Em saw Bee delivering sourdough and became angry. He started staying at my house a lot and taking my brother with him when Bee came over.
Well, Em tried to "confront" Bee and Bee was very confused. Apparently she thought my brother and I were a couple and she blushed when I laughed and told her the truth. He then asked Em if he wanted to look at the clothes he was giving away because it was better to give them to his friends. Em was offended by the offer because Bee is taller and taller than her. And they're not friends? I laughed some more and told Bee I would take him up on his offer. I have several cute sweatshirts on the market.
Em is still upset, my brother wants me to stop dating Bee, but despite his funny mistake, I like him. She's very sweet and kind and it would be a funny story if Em wasn't such a bitter cat. She doesn't pay rent but believes she has the right to ask me to move into my own apartment. So what should I do? I wish Bee was a real friend.
– Break bread
Dear Breaking,
It seems like your current life situation is forcing several of your relationships to become confused. Technically, your individual relationships with Bee, Em, and your brother should be separate, but they've gotten into a big mess because they're so close to each other. If this is simply the reality of your current life situation, you need metaphorical space.
For example, it is not your responsibility to negotiate any kind of understanding or peace agreement between Em and Bee. It's your business. If one of them tells you something about the other, just shrug your shoulders and say it sounds like something they need to figure out. If you want, stay friends with Bee and talk to your brother about some boundaries you both need to set: how much time Em spends in the apartment and how unacceptable it is for her to tell you to "go away." . "If he refuses to set boundaries with Em, you need to seriously consider how sustainable this living situation is. In the short term, negotiate with your brother specific nights when you can swap the apartment for yourself (and perhaps communicate this time). Bee if you want him to come when your brother and his girlfriend are not present).
– Delia
Classic Prudie I recently separated from my partner; We were together for a little over a year. I continued to notice toxic behaviors, namely lack of trust, trying to trap myself in lies that didn't exist, constantly knowing my location, and questioning where I was/who I was with. We were separated and made unsolicited and sometimes hurtful comments about my appearance. I mentioned these things every now and then, but the feeling that he didn't trust me was always there. I love this person and the decision to end things was difficult because we have a very strong bond. During our separation, which only lasted two days, we both realized that we didn't want to miss out on something like this. We reconciled and I promised to work on my dynamic (fear of injury, better communication, etc.). I discovered that he had been posting derogatory comments about me on Reddit over the course of two days.
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