NEW YORK (AP) -- Nick Farrow wanted what many people want: a son and a parenting partner. At 45, after a long romance fell through, she decided to take matters into her own hands and enter into an open platonic agreement that has flourished for nine years since the birth of her daughter Milly.
Nick Farrow, from Brighton, England, is platonic co-parenting his 11-year-old daughter with a woman he met on dating site Modamily.
Whether it's with friends, known sperm donors, or through co-parenting bonds formed in mating sites, more and more families are coming together platonically without the pain of divorce or the added stress and expense of going it alone.
The decision to platonically co-parent while living apart or living under the same roof is an idea that has been around among LGBTQ+ people for years. It's recently gained traction among straight people, and interest has skyrocketed during the pandemic.
Farrow and his paternal partner live about 15 miles away, he in the English seaside town of Brighton. Their daughter, conceived by insemination, travels back and forth between the two. Like divorced couples with children, the two meet up for Milly's birthdays and sometimes alternate between Christmas and other special occasions.
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Explaining her arrangement to her loved ones was a process.
"When the time came, we brought everyone together," Farrow said of her family and friends. "We invite you to ask any difficult and embarrassing questions. We felt that what we were doing was a bit odd, that it might be risky, that it might be dangerous. It really helped bring everyone together.
Farrow met her parenting partner on Modamily, one of the few websites and apps geared toward starting a family as opposed to the dating culture and endless search for dating services.
Around 100,000 people from all over the world have registered with Modamily since 2011. At least 1,000 babies have been born through partnerships created there, said founder and CEO Ivan Fatovic. About half involved known sperm donors from a database of nearly 10,000 seeds maintained by the site, he said.
"We see people thinking about all the different alternative ways to start a family because they've been thinking about it for many years," Fatovic said. "Everything they've done so far hasn't worked, so they're starting to think outside the box."
There is no single script that defines voluntary co-parenting. Most, but certainly not all, platonic co-parents are separated. Some of those who use Modamily or similar services are looking for sperm donors they can meet in person, with or without the opportunity to share their life after having a baby.
TV presenter Anderson Cooper.
Other parents' associations are formed due to the need for financial support and care for raising children. Still others involve two friends who want children without romance. And there are people like Farrow who are unhappily in love and have a burning desire to be parents, but not alone.
Last year, TV commentator Van Jones gave birth to a baby girl with an old friend. He was already the father of two children with his ex-wife Jana Carter. Jones declined a request for an interview from a spokesperson.
And there's Jones' CNN colleague Anderson Cooper. He is the father of two children born through surrogacy after he and boyfriend Benjamin Maisani became close friends. Cooper and Maisani are now parents together.
Of course, the idea of co-parenting is nothing new to divorced couples, but more and more divorced women are leaning on each other to make ends meet.
About six years ago, Ashley Simpo, 39, and her son with a friend and their two children moved to Brooklyn, New York to share expenses and parenting responsibilities. High rents and low wages bothered them.
"I think the alternatives for both of us would have been to be homeless or to go back to the parents and move. For parents, that means expelling their children from school," he said.
Their five-person "mommune" lasted about six months before their finances stabilized and the amicable settlement was finalized.
"It really opened my eyes to how mothers support each other. I had never really run a mothership or intentional community network," said Simpo, who had been divorced for about two years, in the "It was really healing for me."
Platonic co-parenting agreements require thoughtful structure. This can be difficult when multiple parents are involved, such as after a divorce or when friendships change.
Many sign parenting plans with the help of attorneys or family coaches to clarify the rules and define what is non-negotiable. There is religion, but what if one of the co-parents dates or gets married? And then there are the day-to-day matters, such as the management of finances and the disciplinary measures that are applied.
A woman holds a bottle of formula while feeding her infant son May 13, 2022 in San Antonio, Texas.
"In platonic co-parenting relationships, I think people forget to plan for all these little nuances," said Alysha Price, who owns a business that provides parenting coaching. "There won't always be stars, rainbows and happy days."
In London, Patrick Harrison co-founded PollenTree.com in 2012 as a resource for people interested in platonic co-parenting. It grew quickly and now also supplies the United States. Users are divided between people who want to meet and choose sperm donors without the option of co-parenting and those who are "really focused on starting their own kind of alternative family," Harrison said.
"People look at family life and think, 'I want some of that, too.' People have the misconception that everything is very alternative, but that's not the case. Many of our members are truly mainstream members. they want children "They just want kids," Harrison said.
The pandemic has skyrocketed the number of pollen trees. Just before the closures began, Harrison said the site was seeing about 40 registrations a day. In 2020 and 2021, the number has risen to 100 on some days. The situation has stabilized for the time being among the 100,000 members. The cost is around $30 per month.
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